I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
