I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
