I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
