Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
