I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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