My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
