Old men and throwing up are my life now.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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