He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
