Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
