I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
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Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
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I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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