i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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