Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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