Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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