peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
