We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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