a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What a dumb baby whore.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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