There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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