Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
