Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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