and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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