Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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