there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
