my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
