hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
