I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
