You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
