I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
