How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
