you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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