remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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