Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
