Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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