Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
