The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
