dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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