I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
