i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
