high people should be assigned attendants
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
