just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
