I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
