if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
