I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
