There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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