Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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