it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
