I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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