Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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