matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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