Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
