did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
