i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
fuck your aforementioned shoe
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
