you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
