grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
