I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
