my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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