he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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