if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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