I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
